i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
