Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
