"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
