I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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