she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
