I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
