i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
