I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
