If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
