in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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