i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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