if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize