I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
