Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
