I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
