the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I didn't notice because vodka
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
