Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
