If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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