The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
