i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Randomize
