Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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