did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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