Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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