2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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