just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
