I think I am morally bankrupt
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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