I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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