My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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