Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
