"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
