I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
