So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
