DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
