did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
