Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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