I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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