I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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