I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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