I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
