awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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