I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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