oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i love accidental penises.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
