Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
