um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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