I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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