before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
