There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
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