She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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