Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
