I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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