Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
