honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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