wanna go halves on a baby?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
