If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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