I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
