My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
