I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i would punch a child for taco bell
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
