Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize