I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize