dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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