All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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