I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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