i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she looked like the before picture.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
