So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
